PRESS RELEASE FROM HELL: Media Giants Strike P.R. Deal with Gun Industry
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Entertainment Conglomerates Will Now Get Paid for Gun-Centric Content
Los Angeles, CA – April 24, 2025: The American entertainment industry (TV, movies, video games) announced a deal that formalizes a long-standing, promotional relationship between entertainment media and the gun industry.
The entertainment industry believes that it’s owed substantial compensation, given its decades of unflagging support for guns. Gun use in movies and TV has more than doubled over the past several decades, while 60% of scripted TV dramas include gun-centric content, and a third of such programs show at least one person being shot.
“Entertainment companies have been the biggest promoters of gun use in American history, and we have always done that promotional work without charging a cent! Now we can be fairly compensated for our contribution to American Liberty,” said Goldie Shotblast, a spokesperson for the media conglomerates, who previously served as an intern in the first Trump Administration’s Office of Civil Rights.
The deal covers broadcast TV and movie production companies, movie studios, streaming and cable TV, and video game producers. In exchange for featuring guns in programming, media companies will now receive cash compensation, product donations, and unlimited consulting services to help curate the proper weaponry for fictional characters, and promote more gun-centric programming.
“For decades, the American people have been gobbling up gun-centric content like they’ll never get enough,” said Ms. Shotblast. “As a free-market capitalist Christian nation, we flood the market with what it wants. And now as a reward, entertainment execs will be taking a lot more in the back end from gun makers, and that’s only fair.”
“Every bullet fired on TV is an act of free speech protected by the First Amendment,” said Dick Longbarrel, spokesman for the gun industry. “It’s about time we and the entertainment industry got on the same page, because we share the same values and regulatory challenges.”
As part of the deal, gun makers will establish a nonprofit called Guns Save Ratings (GSR), a 501(c)(3) organization that will work with media companies to increase the commercial value of gun-centric entertainment.
GSR’s in-house experts will look for opportunities to bring guns to under-penetrated entertainment genres, such as comedies, rom-coms, talk shows, and game shows.
“Comedy is a genre that’s too often gun free,” said Mr. Longbarrel. “We could definitely see firearms on a show like Abbott Elementary, because teachers need to be, and should be armed. And on medical dramas, ER doctors and nurses should be armed, to deal with exploding migrant crime in our cities. And on daytime talk shows, how hot would it be to see five mature ladies in short skirts all openly carrying? Every program at every hour should have some positive gun-centric content,” he said.
GSR will also be tasked with choosing “gender appropriate” weaponry for movie and TV characters, for example: pink guns and smaller guns for petite women; bigger caliber weapons for men and anatomically correct butch women who evince “masculine energy”; and concealed-carry would be recommended for storylines involving religious figures and houses of worship (except for Muslims).
To celebrate the historic agreement, co-president Elon Musk decreed that the White House Press Office will be establishing a “Bring Your Gun to Work Day,” as part of its anti-woke agenda.
On those days, White House spokespeople at the Press Room podium will be carrying sidearms, and reporters will be required to carry—openly or concealed—in order to gain access to the White House Press Room. Those not carrying will be rented a gun for the duration of the Press Briefing at a cost of $1,000 in Trump Coin.
Assistant chief deputy White House spokesman, Will Deportibunch, gave the White House’s endorsement of the new deal, and made the official announcement of the new Press Room policy saying, “Enemies of the people better watch out. From now on, American culture will be fully locked and loaded. Hail Caesar.”
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This jaw-grinding satire has been another episode in Press Releases from Hell. No entertainers were harmed in the making of this spoof. Any pain caused to entertainment executives, performers, and media consumers is unavoidable in the pursuit of market and commercial transparency.
Dark times call for dark humor, which has been brought to you in a spirit of robust cynicism by LiteralMayhem.com.